Archer X
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer's family is about to get more messed up and weirder than he could have ever imagined.


**Somehow the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own either X-Men Evolution or Archer characters has been destroyed. This is just some ramblings from my tiny little mind that I had to get out. So I apologize for taking so long and the swear words. Well it is Archer after all. You should know what you're getting into.**

 **Phrasing.**

 **Archer X**

It all started with a meeting in the bullpen of the Figgis Agency. "Item One…" Mallory Archer looked over her staff. "We need to have a talk about the spray painting in the women's bathroom! PAM!"

"What?" Pam hid some spray cans behind her.

"Ugh…" Mallory wrinkled her nose in distaste. "Moving on…"

"Excuse me…" A British voice was heard.

They looked and at the entrance of the agency were a group of people mostly wearing black spandex. One was a bald man in a wheelchair wearing a brown jacket, red shirt and brown pants and shoes. Another was a tall black woman with white hair and blue eyes. Another was a red haired younger woman. As well as another one young woman with brown hair with a white streak in them and black gloves. A young man with brown hair. Another young man wearing a red visor that hid his eyes and a strange looking young man with blue fur and a pointy tail.

"No, no…" Mallory groaned. "Not now! Not **now!** "

"Uh can I help you?" Cyril asked. "Is there some kind of costume party going on?"

The bald man put his hands to his temple. "I need you all to take a nap now."

"But we're not sleepy," Cheryl said.

"Speak for yourself," Pam yawned. "I could go for some Z's after staying up all night getting ripped at Pita Margaritas!"

"Excuse me but who the hell are you?" Archer asked. "And why do you all look like you're going to Comic Con?"

"Ooh! Is it Comic Con already?" Krieger beamed. "I want to go!"

"Professor Xavier?" Red Visor asked. "Shouldn't they like be out by now?"

"I'm having some resistance, Scott," Xavier blinked. "It's almost as if their minds aren't there."

"Well I can't speak for myself but for most of these people…" Archer quipped.

"Oh ha, ha…" Cyril snapped. "Very funny Archer."

"I thought so," Archer smirked.

"Professor I'm not getting anything either," The red haired woman said.

"I know Jean," Xavier sighed. "This might be more difficult than I imagined."

"Professor I thought you were going to mind zap them so we could get her out of here?" A man with wild black hair also wearing a black uniform asked as he walked in.

"I tried Logan," Xavier frowned. "But I couldn't get through to them."

"Don't bother Xavier," Mallory snapped. "I had Dr. Krieger put in telepathic blockers on this building when we first moved in. Your little mind tricks won't work on my staff. Mostly because the majority of them don't have any minds to begin with…"

"Mallory you **know** these people?" Lana asked.

"Yes I do," Mallory growled. "And they're leaving!"

"You can drop the act Mystique!" Logan snarled. "You're coming with us!"

"The hell I am!" Mallory pulled out her gun from her purse.

"Whoa! Whoa! Hang on!" Lana snapped.

"What the hell…?" Archer was stunned.

"She owes you money doesn't she?" Ray groaned.

"Good luck with that," Cheryl scoffed.

"Oh good," Logan grinned. "Let's do this the hard way." He shot out his claws.

"Wolverine don't!" The black woman warned.

"Stay outta this Ororo!" Logan barked. "This is between the two of us!"

"Uh guys!" The young brown haired man spoke up. "Maybe we should use our codenames? Just a thought!"

"NOT NOW BOBBY!" Jean snapped.

"And you guys say I don't take this stuff seriously?" Bobby groaned. "Why do we have codenames if we don't even bother to use them?"

"Technically Jean doesn't have a code name," The young woman with the white streak in her hair spoke up.

"Okay Rogue I admit you have a point about that…" Jean sighed.

"Could somebody please tell me who the hell are you people and what are you doing in my agency?" Cyril shouted. "Are you clients or not?"

"They're **not!** " Mallory shouted. "In fact they are leaving **right now!"**

"Not without you Mystique!" Logan growled at Mallory.

"Oh God Mother!" Archer groaned. "Is this another one of your **boyfriends**?"

"Sterling not now…" Mallory groaned.

"It is, isn't it?" Archer shouted. "God is there anyone you **haven't** screwed?"

"That's actually a good question," Logan growled. "Which she is going to answer! Along with a lot of other ones!"

"Logan!" Ororo said. "Not like this!"

"Why the hell not?" Logan shouted. "If she thinks she can hide behind civilians…"

" **What** did he call us?" Cheryl said. "Hey are you dissing us bitch?"

"Wolverine," Scott said. "We don't need this to get out of hand."

"Shut it Summers!" Logan growled. "We're taking her down now!"

"You're not taking my mother anywhere!" Archer pulled out his gun.

"Don't hurt them," Jean said. "They don't know what they're doing!"

"Wanna bet?" Lana challenged as the agency got ready to fight.

"This is going to be one of **those** meetings isn't it?" Cyril groaned.

"What did you do **now** bitch?" Ray snapped at Mallory.

"Yeah who'd you piss off **this time**?" Pam asked.

"Nothing!" Mallory protested. "Nobody!"

"Yeah right! Likely story!" The Figgis Agency groaned. "Pull the other one!"

"Mother you can tell us how you screwed up **later,** " Archer said as he casually grabbed a glass of alcohol. "Right now…"

Then he threw the glass right into Logan's face. "AGGGH! MY EYES!" Logan shouted as his healing factor worked on getting the glass and alcohol out of his face and eyes.

"Wolver…" Jean began before Lana surprised her by punching her in the face. "Uggghh!" She fell down and Lana jumped on top of her.

"Hey!" Scott rushed Archer and grabbed his hand. He managed to knock Archer's gun out of his hand.

"YEAAHHHH!" Pam tore off her clothes revealing her bra and underwear. She tackled Ororo. "HERE WE GO!"

"GODDESS!" Ororo gasped as she fell under Pam's weight. "ARE YOU FEELING ME UP?"

"HONK! HONK!" Pam said cheerfully.

"God I can't have one peaceful day in this agency can I?" Cyril moaned.

"Shooom! Shooooooooooooom!" Krieger started doing his kung fu moves around the room.

"Krieger stop being a pansy and **help us** here!" Ray snapped as he ended up dodging Rogue's kicks and punches.

"Apparently not…" Cyril groaned before he was tackled by Kurt.

"What he said!" Archer snapped as he got into a fist fight with Scott.

"Hey guys! Chill out!" Bobby snapped as he used his ice power to make an ice wall to separate Ray and Rogue.

"What the…?" Ray stepped back.

"Get off me!" Cyril managed to throw Kurt off.

"Ow! My tail!" Kurt yelled.

"Okay that's it!" Rogue turned to Cyril and took off a glove. "Kurt change partners!"

"Awww I had this!" Bobby said.

"And I've got this guy!" Logan recovered and tackled Archer.

"OW! What's in your face?" Archer winced as he hit Logan. "Some kind of dwarven metal?"

"Something like that," Logan grinned as he began to punch Archer.

"Get off him!" Lana grabbed Logan from behind and started to choke him.

"Urk!" Logan gasped. "Big…hands!"

"I'll show you big hands you…" Lana growled.

"HONK! HONK!" Pam said cheerfully. "Wow you have nice tits!"

"STOP THAT!" Ororo screamed. "I'LL FRY YOU! I SWEAR I WILL! HEY!"

"HONK!" Pam whooped. "And BAM!"

WHAM!

"Wow…She can't take a punch can she?" Pam blinked at the unconscious Ororo.

"STORM!" Logan growled. He forgot Archer and went after Pam.

"Come at me bro!" Pam whooped as she tackled Logan head on. "ROUND TWO!"

"ARE YOU **FEELING ME UP?"** Logan shouted. "I'LL CUT YOU WITH MY CLAWS! I SWEAR I WILL!"

Lana helped Archer up. "Stop goofing around and do something!"

"Whoa!" Archer barely avoided an ice blast by Bobby. "Like what? Ask for Mister Heat Miser to show up!"

"SHOOOOM!" Krieger danced around.

"Somebody fight me! Fight me!" Cheryl jumped up and down. "Punch me! Please!"

"Fine you take her!" Cyril was running from Rogue.

"YAY VIOLENCE!" Cheryl tackled Rogue.

Rogue's bare hand touched Cheryl's face. "AAAHHH!" Rogue screamed as Cheryl's memories flooded into her mind. "YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!"

"That's…My line…" Cheryl warbled before she passed out.

Then she got up. "Oh wait, I'm fine."

But Rogue wasn't. "Oh god! Oh god! AAAHH! NO! NO!" Rogue curled up in a fetal position. "AAAHAHH!"

"What's her problem?" Cheryl blinked.

"Rogue can absorb people's life force and memories through skin contact," Kurt realized as he rushed to her. "Wait why are you not passed out?"

"I…Don't know…" Cheryl blinked.

"BECAUSE SHE'S FULL OF DRUGS AND GLUE AND GOD AWFUL THINGS!" Rogue screamed. "AWFUL! AWFUL THINGS!"

"Well that was a stupid move," Archer scoffed. "Even I know Carol's brain is one of the **last** places you should go."

"Professor!" Kurt shouted.

"I've got this…" Xavier focused his powers. "Rogue I will use my mind to help you and purge the…OH DEAR GOD! WHAT KIND OF SICK PERSON IS THIS WOMAN?"

"I know, right?" Archer laughed.

"SHOOM! SHOOOOOM!" Krieger danced around.

"What's with Hong Kong Phooey over here?" Bobby pointed at Krieger.

"Don't ask…" Lana and Archer groaned.

SQUEEEEE!

"Piggly!" Krieger beamed as a certain green glowing pig entered the room.

"Oh just what we need," Archer rolled his eyes. "One of Krieger's flesh eating pigs!"

"Did you say _flesh eating?"_ Bobby did a double take.

"Squeeeee!" Piggly rounded on Kurt and Bobby.

"Is that pig **glowing?** " Kurt gulped.

"RUN!" Bobby shouted. Which they did. Piggly followed.

"Shoooooooooooooomm!" Krieger did more karate moves.

"Thanks Professor…" Rogue sat up after Xavier helped her. "I'm glad you erased those memories and psyche from my head."

"Yes **you're** fine…" Xavier shuddered. "Now if only I could erase my **own memories!"**

"ALL OF YOU STOP IT **RIGHT NOW!"** Mallory put her gun to Xavier's head. "Unless you want to see your precious professor's brains splattered on the carpet!"

"Ms. Archer we just cleaned that!" Cyril shouted as everyone stopped.

"This has gotten completely out of hand," Scott groaned as he helped Jean up.

"You **think?** " Jean grumbled as she regained consciousness. "Why is it everywhere we go we end up in a fight?"

"Us too!" Cheryl said cheerfully.

"All right," Mallory growled. "Now all of you X-Men just back away…"

That was when Scott used his optic blasts to knock Mallory away from Xavier. "Ughhh!" Mallory fell to the floor unconscious.

"MOTHER!" Archer shouted. "YOU ASSHOLE!" Without thinking Archer tackled Scott and started wailing on him.

Once again the fight started. Pam fought Logan who was trying to keep his virtue intact. Piggly chased Kurt and Bobby. Archer was fighting Scott. Lana tackled Jean again and they were fighting. Ororo was still unconscious. Krieger was still doing his kung fu across the room. Rogue started to chase Ray who used his super speed to keep out of reach. And then…

THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!

Milton rolled in and started showering Rogue with toast.

"Am I getting attacked by a **toaster?** " Rogue shouted as she was showered with toast.

Milton then turned to Xavier and started shooting toast at him. "Seriously?" Xavier snapped. "Ow!"

"SUPRESSING FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRREE!" Cyril ran through using a fire extinguisher to spray foam on everyone.

"Well at least he ain't using the damn gun," Ray groaned.

"What kind of a nuthouse is this **place?"** Rogue shouted as they were all covered in foam.

"SUPRESSSING…." Cyril began when suddenly the fire extinguisher was yanked from him. "Fire?"

"Charles…" Magneto stood there in his cape and uniform. "What fresh hell is **this?"**

Behind him was most of his Brotherhood in uniform. "Whoa…" Todd 'Toad' Tolansky looked around. "And I thought we made a mess."

"Hey Summers!" Lance 'Avalanche' Alvers smirked. "What was it you were saying about us messing things up?"

"Shut up Lance!" Scott grumbled as he pulled away from Archer. The fight had come to a halt.

"No, no…Lance has a point doesn't he Pyro?" Pietro 'Quicksilver' Maximoff grinned.

"That he did," Pyro grinned.

"Man Wanda is going to be so upset she missed this!" Pietro snickered.

"Looks like they gave you a run for your money huh Runt?" Sabretooth laughed.

"Shut up…" Logan growled.

"Magneto I thought we agreed you would wait outside," Xavier frowned.

"We did," Magneto snorted. "We were wondering what was taking you so long."

"Yeah I thought you were just gonna mind zap 'em and…" Todd did a double take. Krieger was staring at him with a weird look in his eyes. "What's your problem dawg?"

"AN UNHOLY FROG BOY!" Dr. Krieger squealed. "I've always wanted an amphibian lad of my very own! Come to Krieger!"

"I ain't unholy…" Todd backed away.

"Well your smell is unholy," Bobby quipped.

"Come to me wondrous creation!" Krieger started to chase after Todd. "I just want to examine you and maybe clone you!"

"Get away from me you nut job!" Todd shouted as he hopped away.

"Wow," Lance blinked. "Must be the first time ever somebody chased Toad for his body."

"Seriously Charles," Magneto sighed. "What the hell happened? This was supposed to be a simple extraction! Who are these people? Why is there toast all over the place and…Were you **losing** this fight? With your powers?"

"We were holding back!" Scott snapped.

"Obviously," Lance snorted.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Bobby and Kurt ran from the radioactive pig.

"Is that a radioactive flesh eating **pig?** " Pyro pointed. "Cool!"

THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!

"Somebody call this hunk of junk off?" Rogue snapped as Milton spat out more toast at her and Xavier.

"Why are Xavier and Rogue getting attacked by a giant **toaster?"** Pietro blinked. "There's toast **everywhere!"**

"They're gonna get ants," Pyro said.

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Someone please get that pig?" Xavier groaned.

"I'm not doing anything now!" Pam protested.

"He meant the **four legged one**!" Cyril snapped. "Krieger! Krieger!"

Krieger was still chasing Todd around. "I got him!" Ray used his super speed and grabbed Krieger. "Krieger forget the frog boy and call off your pig!"

"You're no fun!" Krieger pouted.

"Krieger!" Ray snapped.

"Oh fine!" Krieger sighed and then whistled. "That'll do Piggly."

"Wait he has super speed?" Pietro gasped as Piggly went back to his master.

"That guy's not human," Lance realized.

"Yes I am! Well mostly!" Ray snapped. Suddenly he was pulled in the air. "Whoa!"

"Metal bones?" Magneto looked at Ray as he held him in the air. He pulled him forward to get a better look.

"Cyborg actually," Ray gulped. "Hello. Uh…You're actually kind of cute. Are you…?"

"No!" Magneto glared at Ray.

"Just asking," Ray pouted.

"I think Quicksilver might be more your type mate," Pyro spoke up. "Or Iceman."

"Ewww!" Pietro shouted. "No!"

"DEFINITELY NOT!" Bobby shouted.

"Ewww…" Ray winced. "Too young for my taste. I prefer older men."

Ray batted his eyes at Magneto. Who tossed him aside in disgust. "Ow!" Ray said as he hit the floor.

"EEEE!" Cheryl squealed. "Attack me! Attack me!"

"Man this place is a freak show," Sabretooth laughed.

"ATTACK ME DAMN IT!" Cheryl tackled Sabretooth. "CHOKE ME! CHOKE ME!"

"Honestly if was any other time I **would** ," Sabretooth groaned. "Kind of on a schedule here."

"CHOKE ME DAMN IT!" Cheryl screamed as she fought Sabretooth.

"Ugh what hit me?" Ororo stirred as Logan helped her up.

"Her," He glared at Pam.

"You liked it and you know it!" Pam snapped.

"Where's Mystique?" Magneto groaned.

"Mystique? Who's…Mallory?" Lana gasped as she looked over where Mallory was.

Instead was a half conscious blue woman with red hair and wearing a black uniform. "Ugh…Oh Shit…"

"Mallory?" Lana gasped.

"Mother?" Archer was stunned.

"Holy shit-snacks!" Pam whistled. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at her.

"What did you **do** to her?" Archer glared at Scott. "Change her back!"

"I didn't make her like this!" Scott snapped.

"Thanks assholes!" The blue woman stood up. "Thanks a lot! And for once I don't mean these morons!"

"Uh what's going on?" Ray blinked.

"I don't know," Krieger said. "But I am so turned on right now."

"You just **had** to barge in here didn't you?" The blue woman shouted at them. "I tried my best to stay out of your lives for years because I thought that was what you wanted…"

"Mystique we need to talk," Xavier began.

"So you had to bring Magneto and the entire **idiot brigade here**?" Mallory/Mystique snarled. "And have them tangle with **my idiot brigade** here?"

"We wanted to make sure you stayed," Logan growled.

"Hang on!" Archer shouted.

"Did it ever occur to you to **call first**?" Mallory/Mystique snarled. "Not that you were ever so considerate…"

"Look who's talking!" Sabretooth snarled.

"HANG THE SHIT ON!" Archer shouted. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? AND MOTHER? WHY ARE YOU BLUE?"

"Speaking of blue," Jean winced. "Could you watch your mouth please?"

"Could **you** not be a condescending bitch?" Archer snapped.

"HEY!" Scott and Jean shouted.

Lana made a high pitch whistle. "Damn it! My ears!" Logan winced.

"Excuse me," Lana said. "But could someone tell me who you people are and what the shit is going on here?"

"Again with the language," Kurt winced.

"Yeah what the hell did you do to my mother?" Archer pointed at the blue woman.

"That's not your mother Mr. Archer…" Xavier began.

"Yes **I am**!" Mallory/Mystique snapped. "I am Sterling's mother!"

"WHAT?" Now it was the mutants' turn to be stunned.

"Are you…?" Rogue looked back and forth.

"I gave birth to him in a bar in Tangiers about forty years ago!" Mallory/Mystique snarled. "YES I'M SURE!"

"What is going on here? Mother?" Archer was stunned. "Why do you look like **that?"**

"Yeah you actually look hot!" Pam said. "Blue is kind of sexy on you."

Everyone looked at Pam. "Well it is!" She defended.

"Mother…What is going on?" Archer asked.

"God I should have told you this **years** ago…" Mallory/Mystique sighed. "But I just couldn't find the right time."

" **Now** seems like a good time!" Lana snapped. "Whoever you are! Where's Mallory?"

"I'm **right here**. This is my true form Lana," Mystique sighed. "Okay fine. I'm a mutant. My real name is Raven Darkholme. Mallory Archer is just a pseudonym. Actually she's the name of my favorite actress when I was a child so…"

"So wait…" Archer held up his hand. "You're a **mutant?"**

"That explains a few things," Krieger blinked.

"Yes Sterling," Mallory sighed. "I'm a mutant. I kept it hidden from you and everyone here because I know mutants aren't exactly accepted in society."

"Mallory you know better than that!" Lana barked. "You know we don't care about that kind of racist shit."

"Yeah I mean **hello**!" Ray pointed to himself and then Krieger.

"Yeah we have a gay partly bi-racial cyborg, a glue sniffing pyromaniac and a Nazi clone," Pam admitted. "In case you haven't noticed after all these years, we're not exactly picky."

"A what? And _a what_?" Scott did a double take. "And a **what?** "

"Hang on!" Wolverine held up his hand. "What the hell is all this Mystique?"

"Yes I'd like to know this myself Mother," Kurt gave Mystique a look.

"Why are you calling **her mother?"** Archer snapped. "She's **my mother**! I think…"

"Because she's my mother!" Kurt said.

"No, she's **my mother!"** Archer snapped. "Tell him…"

"Sterling, you're not an only child," Mystique sighed.

"We figured **that** part out," Rogue said.

"Besides adopting you Rogue I had another child a long time ago," Mystique said. "Sterling here."

"When was **this**?" Archer shouted. "Wait I have a brother and a sister that are mutants?"

"Yes Sterling," Mallory sighed. "This is your half-brother Kurt Wagner. And your adopted sister Rogue."

"So I have a brother and a sister?" Archer asked again. "When were you going to tell me about this?"

"She's telling you **now** ," Todd spoke up.

"So you're saying," Archer blinked. "That I have a brother and a sister that are mutants? And you're a mutant too? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?"

"Sterling isn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer," Mystique groaned. "Sterling listen to me. I am your mother. I am also a mutant that happens to be a shapeshifter. I took the fake name and appearance of Mallory Archer so I could live without getting shot at every five minutes."

"So you founded an agency where you got shot at **every other week?"** Archer was stunned.

"In hindsight that was rather foolish," Mystique sighed. "Remember all those times I disappeared over the years for months at a time? Or when I sent you to one of your many boarding schools? Or even recently all those long lunches or weekends I took off these last few years? I was on missions."

"Uhhh…." Archer blinked. "Honestly…"

"Typical," Mystique groaned.

"Why do you look so…?" Lana began. "Well younger."

"Because I don't age like most humans," Mystique sighed. "I'm actually over a hundred years old."

"You called it!" Pam said to Cheryl.

"Just like the gypsy woman said," Cheryl said. "Wait but if you're young then how come you took the form of a wrinkled raisin?"

"Because I had to maintain my cover and age in real time!" Mystique snapped. "Got it?"

"No," Cheryl blinked. "What's real time?"

"Is she for real?" Lance asked.

"Unfortunately yes," Ray sighed. "The glue she sniffs has clogged up what few brain cells she has left."

"Wait," Rogue said. "If he's our brother…?" She pointed to Archer.

"That explains the second mutant signature we found here," Xavier added.

"He doesn't exactly know," Mystique groaned.

"Know what?" Archer asked.

"How could he **not** know?" Magneto asked. "He's over forty."

"It's not that obvious a mutation," Mystique explained. "And he's not exactly the smartest mutant in the world. Or the smartest person in the world period."

"Who?" Archer asked.

"You dear," Mystique sighed.

"Me what?" Archer asked.

"You're a mutant too," Mystique sighed.

"How am I a mutant?" Archer asked. "How did **that** happen?"

"You're kidding right?" Kurt blinked.

"No," Archer said honestly. "How could I be a mutant?"

"I see what you mean," Magneto groaned.

"And you think **we're dumb** ," Pyro snorted.

"I know," Mystique groaned. "Trust me these idiots make the Brotherhood look like Rhodes Scholars."

"Could somebody explain to me again how I could be a mutant?" Archer asked.

"I'm guessing you failed genetics class in high school," Rogue groaned.

"You have no idea," Mystique groaned.

"Archer you get the X-Gene from either one or both parents," Lana explained. "And since Mallory…Mystique is a mutant."

"Oh…" Archer blinked. "But I don't have any powers. Unless you count my ability to seduce women."

"No, it's not that," Xavier groaned.

"Sterling you didn't think it was odd that every time you got injured, you were fine within a **week?** " Mystique snapped. "Hell you once broke your **damn leg** and by the end of the week you were fine! You honestly didn't think that was unusual?"

"Honestly…" Archer blinked. "I just chalked it up to my fast metabolism."

"And where do you think you **got** that?" Mystique snapped. "From one of your two possible fathers!"

"Len Trexler or Nicholai Jakov?" Archer blinked. "Because I'm pretty sure that Buddy Rich isn't my father."

"He isn't and no!" Mystique snapped. "I was talking about either Wolverine or Sabertooth here!"

"WHAT?" The two mutant males shouted.

"When were you going to tell us **this?"** Logan growled.

"I'm telling you **now** ," Mystique snapped. "Not so nice to be ambushed is it?"

"Can we just **back up** a minute here?" Lana held up her hands. "Who the hell are you people again? And why did you attack us?"

"Technically we were attacking Mystique," Bobby said. "You guys just got in the way."

"I'm Charles Xavier," Xavier spoke up. "These are my X-Men here. That's Scott Summers, also known as Cyclops. Rogue, Kurt Wagner aka Nightcrawler, Bobby Drake known as Iceman, Logan known as Wolverine, Ororo Munroe known as Storm and Jean Grey."

"What? You too good for a code name?" Pam quipped as she looked at Jean.

"I didn't like what they picked out for me," Jean admitted.

"What was it?" Pam asked.

"Marvel Girl," Jean admitted.

"Yeah that name does suck," Pam nodded.

"I am Magneto and these are my Brotherhood of Mutants," Magneto said. "Sabretooth, Pyro, Avalanche, Quicksilver and Toad."

"Why are you two working together?" Mystique snapped. "What? Apocalypse break out again?"

"No but we combined forces shortly after the incident," Magneto said. "Now…"

"Hey guys!" Fred walked in. "I didn't see any…What's going on?"

"Mystique has another kid," Quicksilver pointed. "And I use that word liberally. He's old! Like forty."

"Forty is the new twenty!" Archer barked.

"And either Sabretooth or Wolverine is the baby daddy," Pietro added. "There, you're caught up."

"Actually I was…" Fred did a double take. "Cousin Ray?"

"Freddy?" Ray did a double take. "Dukes!"

"Dukes!" Fred shouted. "How have you been?"

"How have **you** been?" Ray called out. "You lost weight!"

"And you look different," Fred said. "It's the hand isn't it?"

"I got a bionic hand," Ray showed him by removing his glove, revealing his black hand.

"Why is it black?" Lance blinked.

"Because I was out of white ones and had a surplus," Krieger spoke up.

"Oh that makes sense," Fred nodded.

"I'm glad **something** does!" Bobby groaned. "And to think, I traded with Kitty for this mission!"

"You **know** each other?" Mystique was stunned.

"We're cousins!" Fred grinned. "His grandpappy was my grandpappy's brother!"

"And another piece of the puzzle fits into place," Mystique groaned.

"I don't freaking believe this!" Logan groaned.

"I know," Cheryl thought. "I would have thought Pam would be more likely to be related to him. They both look alike."

"You're going to look like a corpse if you don't shut your damn pie hole bitch!" Pam made a fist.

"TEASE!" Cheryl stuck out her tongue.

"Okay let me introduce the rest of the idiots here," Mystique groaned. "This is my son Sterling…"

"We know **that one,"** Rogue interrupted. "And now we know Ray. Who else?"

"That's Lana Kane," Mystique pointed. "Sterling's on again off again girlfriend. Pam Poovey who will eat _anything_ and do _anyone_. Cyril Figgis the idiot accountant…"

"Head of the agency!" Cyril snapped. "And the only one with a detective's license."

"Change the record you half-wit!" Mystique snapped. "Dr. Krieger and Cheryl Tunt…"

"Tunt?" Pyro spoke up. "As in the Tunts from originally down under Chunder?"

"How do you know **that phrase**?" Cheryl asked.

"Because I'm an Allderyce!" Pyro said excitedly.

"Not one of the Abberdale Street Allderyces?" Cheryl gasped.

"The very same!" Pyro said. "My great-great grandmother was the sister of Cornelius Tunt! She stayed behind while Cornelius fled to America after that whole arson incident with the Girl Guides and the latex glove factory incident. She was able to stay because she married Arlington Allderyce!"

"Yeah the Tunts were kicked out of Australia for being too violent," Cheryl explained. "And starting too many fires."

"That does explain a lot," Pam groaned.

"I don't freaking **believe** this!" Logan groaned.

"So you're a mutant?" Cheryl asked Pyro.

"Watch this baby!" Pyro created a fire dog.

"That is the coolest power ever!" Cheryl squealed. "We've got to go burn some buildings and catch up on family stuff!"

"YES!" Pyro grinned.

"NO!" Everyone else shouted.

"Party poopers," Pyro grumbled as he put the fire dog away.

"No sense of fun," Cheryl admitted.

"You are not setting any more fires Cheryl!" Cyril shouted. "Our insurance rates are high enough as it is!"

"And I can only pay off the arson squad so much," Mystique groaned.

"Mutant power?" Pyro asked.

"No," Cheryl sighed. "Just matches. And the occasional Molotov cocktail."

"Still pretty cool," Pyro shrugged.

"To recap…" Rogue spoke up. "We have two pyromaniacs from each team that are related to each other. Two **maniacs** from each team related to each other. And we are related to **him?** " She pointed to Archer.

"So you're saying this man is also my brother?" Kurt pointed to Archer.

"Yes!" Mystique sighed. "Another one that's not the brightest light bulb in the bunch!"

"How many kids do you **have** woman?" Wolverine shouted.

"You don't want to know," Sabretooth groaned.

"Wait," Lana realized. "Does that mean AJ could be a mutant?"

"Who's AJ?" Logan asked.

"My granddaughter," Mystique said. "Well possibly yours."

"Archer and I have a daughter," Lana explained.

"Because you stole my sperm!" Archer shouted.

"WHAT?" Logan and Xavier asked at the same time.

"Don't ask," Mystique groaned.

"Can we back up a minute?" Jean interrupted. "So basically Mystique all this time you've been secretly running a detective agency? With a son **nobody** knew about?"

"This is **my** detective agency!" Cyril shouted. "Cyril Figgis of Figgis Detective Agency."

"Nobody cares Cyril!" Lana snapped.

"Cyril also used to date Lana," Pam explained. "Until she caught him balls deep in a French whore."

"I have a sex addiction!" Cyril protested.

"Not a real thing asshole!" Lana barked.

"Oh FYI," Pam spoke up. "Most of us have pretty much slept with each other so…"

"I never slept with Krieger, Mallory, Ray or Cheryl!" Lana snapped.

"And Pam?" Ororo asked.

"Actually…" Lana admitted. "Don't ask."

"And I didn't sleep with…most of the people here," Mystique admitted.

"She slept with me," Pam grinned.

"WHAT?" Rogue and Kurt yelled.

"Don't ask…" Mystique groaned.

"And I slept with Pam and Cheryl too," Archer admitted.

"WHAT?" Rogue and Kurt shouted.

"Don't ask…" Lana groaned.

"And it wasn't always a detective agency," Mystique sighed. "We used to be a spy agency in New York. Long story."

"Okay here's what happened," Pam spoke up. "We used to be a spy agency called ISIS but some terrorists stole our names so we had to drop it. We were shut down by the FBI because the spy agency turned out to be super illegal so we ended up running a cocaine cartel because Ms. Archer managed to get a ton of cocaine. A literal tonne of cocaine."

"That's t-o-n-n-e," Cyril added. "As in an actual tonne of cocaine."

"Thank you Mr. Say and Spell," Pam rolled her eyes. "So we tried the whole cocaine cartel while Ms. Archer tried to turn Cheryl into a country music star at the same time. Cheryl went nuts, became Cherlene for a while…"

"I thought you looked familiar," Rogue looked at Cheryl.

"Who's Cherlene?" Cheryl blinked.

"Don't bother," Archer sighed. "Carol here is basically Dory when it comes to her memory."

"I thought her name was Cheryl?" Kurt blinked.

"It is," Pam sighed. "She keeps changing it and Archer just keeps forgetting. Anyway the cocaine cartel ended in a bust mostly because we lost most of the cocaine."

"And you ate the rest!" Mystique snapped.

"So we accidentally got some weapons heading to San Marcos," Pam added. "Got caught up in a coup when Archer here slept with the dictator's wife. Ended up again working for the CIA until we got blackballed…phrasing…From spying because we killed some scientist with a Fantastic Voyage ripoff. And now we're private dicks."

"And I thought our lives were weird," Bobby groaned.

"Wait now I know who you are," Sabretooth said. "You're Sterling Archer."

"I've only been saying that for the last **ten minutes**!" Mystique snapped.

"Are you saying the Man Whore of Manhattan could be my son?" Sabretooth growled.

"The _what_ of **what?** " Rogue blinked.

"Hey!" Archer barked. "I was the world's most dangerous secret agent."

"That's because you were so reckless and irresponsible you were a menace to **everyone!"** Sabretooth snapped. "Your antics were too insane and violent even for me!"

"And that is a very high bar to pass," Magneto groaned.

"So you're saying the infamous Duchess could be my son?" Logan barked.

"Was I speaking Swedish just now?" Mystique snapped. "YES!"

"Who's Duchess?" Scott asked.

"He is," The Figgis Agency members pointed to Archer.

"He's _Duchess?"_ Todd laughed and pointed. "That's a girl's name!"

"I am aware of that!" Archer snapped. "And I hardly think any guy named **Toad** is in any position to criticize someone else's code name!"

"You named him after your **dog?** " Sabretooth shouted at Mystique.

"You've met Duchess?" Archer asked.

"I wish I didn't," Sabretooth groaned. "I hated that thing."

"Me too," Archer groaned.

"So you're saying this guy was a spy?" Bobby pointed to Archer. "Why is he a detective now?"

"Technically he isn't," Cyril said. "He's working for me until he gets his license."

"We got blacklisted from being spies," Lana explained.

"After screwing up every assignment you got!" Mystique shouted.

"Not **every** assignment!" Archer protested. "Three out of four tops!"

"Oh god…" Logan groaned. " **Now** I remember hearing about these people!"

"Logan?" Xavier asked.

"Charles remember when I told you about an illegal spy agency so stupid and dangerous even SHEILD and Hydra combined wouldn't go near them?" Logan asked. " **These** people are that agency!"

"Wait," Xavier was stunned. "You mean with the assassinations and the bomb threats…?"

"Yes," Logan groaned.

"And that incident at that hotel in Canada…?" Xavier blinked.

"Not to mention the train incident with the Quebec Separatist terrorists, the Canadian Mounties and an ocelot!" Sabretooth groaned.

"And that hotel full of mayonnaise in Willemstad," Logan groaned.

"And the incident with the murdered Albanian Ambassador?" Xavier was stunned.

"YES!" Logan snapped. "These are them!"

"What?" Scott did a double take. "Are you saying these people are **crooks?** "

"Worse than crooks according to their reputation," Magneto growled. " **This** is what you left me for Mystique?"

"You know…?" Mystique growled. "You lot aren't exactly Polly Pureheart and the Princess Brigade! I've been fighting the good fight on my own with no help from you lot!"

"We've done a lot of great research into mutant genetics!" Krieger said proudly.

"Krieger…" Mystique groaned.

"I've made a ton of mutants and mutant clones," Krieger said.

"Which escaped from your lab," Ray said.

"Like those damn exploding mice," Pam added.

"THAT WAS YOU?" Magneto did a double take.

"Exploding **mice?** " Kurt yelled.

"Don't ask…" Mystique groaned. "By the way. There's also a fifty-fifty chance I accidentally legally adopted Dr. Krieger over here so…"

"So the Nazi Clone you thought was a Hitler Clone is also Archer's brother," Pam added.

"A WHAT?" Magneto shouted.

"He was **created** by Nazis!" Mystique snapped. "So technically he's not actually a Nazi!"

"And I have no problem with Jews or people of any sexuality or color," Krieger spoke up. "Thanks to a lot of fun experiments with electric shock therapy."

"Ewwww…." Rogue groaned.

"Hang on," Lana held up her hand. "Still processing the whole, my baby's grandmother is a mutant thing…"

"I can understand that finding out that Mystique was a terrorist this whole time is a shock," Xavier sighed.

"No, **that part** makes sense," Lana said.

"It does explain a lot of things all these years," Ray admitted.

"And the lying about her true identity yeah but…" Lana said. "But honestly…Mallory…Mystique…Whatever your name is. You're a mutant and you're racist?"

"Yeah mother what the…?" Archer began.

"Watch your language!" Jean snapped.

"Watch **your** language!" Archer mocked.

"Part of that was acting in character," Mystique admitted. "It sort of stuck while I was in Mallory's form."

"So you really don't hate the Irish?" Pam asked.

"No, that part is **true,** " Mystique growled.

"Hate the _Irish?_ " Jean blinked.

"Don't ask," Ray groaned.

"And I so hate Trudy Beekman," Mystique growled. "Uptight anti-mutant cow!"

"Who?" Scott asked.

"Don't ask," Archer rolled his eyes.

"And since I'm actually bisexual I don't really hate either Ray or Pam for their sexuality," Mystique admitted. "I just hate them period."

"I can live with that," Ray shrugged.

"Me too," Pam admitted.

"Kind of a step up for me," Ray admitted.

"Does Ron know you're a mutant?" Lana barked.

"Who's Ron?" Jean asked.

"Her husband," Lana pointed to Mystique.

"HUSBAND?" The X-Men and Brotherhood shouted.

"Thanks a lot Lana!" Mystique groaned. "And I thought Pam was the blabbermouth!"

"When did you get married?" Xavier asked Mystique angrily.

"And does Ron know you're a mutant?" Archer asked.

" **How** did this happen?" Kurt asked.

"In order," Mystique sighed. "Four years ago. Yes. We met on a mission. He's human but he has a niece that's a powerful mutant and sympathetic to the cause. I found him funny and charming and one thing led to another…"

"Ugghhh…" Archer, Kurt and Rogue shuddered at the same time.

"That's very interesting," Xavier looked at Mystique. "Because it turns out that we got married five years ago!"

"WHAT?" Everyone else shouted.

"Oh right I forgot about Vegas," Mystique blinked. "Long story. Don't ask."

"I think I should," Logan glared. "Because I think you might be married to **me!"**

"WHAT?" Everyone else shouted.

"That's one of the reasons why we're here," Jean admitted. "Well and to clear up some things about Logan's past. And we need her help taking down a new threat to mutant kind."

"Damn," Pam whistled. "The blue bitch is a bigamist."

"Call Jerry Springer yo," Todd remarked.

"Gee I wonder where Archer's oversexed nature comes from?" Cyril snorted laughing.

"That explains so much," Pam agreed.

"Okay so to recap," Archer groaned as he poured himself a glass of scotch. "My mother is a mutant named Mystique. I could be a mutant with a healing factor. And instead of the insane head of ODIN or the dead former head of the KGB being my father, it's one of two other mutants. In other words, just another day at the agency."

"So you're just **okay** with all this?" Kurt asked incredulously as Archer calmly took a drink. "Seriously? This doesn't freak you out at all?"

"My mother has been keeping secrets from me my whole life," Archer groaned. "As far as I'm concerned this is just another log on the fire."

"We're kind of used to it actually," Lana admitted.

"Honestly this isn't such a big deal," Cyril agreed. "Actually this is one of her least damaging lies so…"

"Yeah she hasn't made us cover up a murder," Pam counted off. "Run a drug cartel or any other illegal shit she usually makes us do."

"And the blue is so sexy," Krieger said.

"Ewww…" Archer, Rogue and Kurt winced.

"It is isn't it?" Pam grinned.

"Ewww…" Archer, Rogue and Kurt shuddered.

"So you really have no problems with me being a mutant and...?" Mystique blinked. "Looking this way?"

"Mallory," Lana said. "You're a racist, violent, selfish opportunistic criminal bitch. You really think mutant is the **one label** that's going to change everything?"

"Huh," Mystique blinked. "I never thought of it like that."

"Yeah I mean!" Pam pointed to the agency. _"Hello?"_

"We stuck with you with the whole fake hydrogen bomb ransom thing and the cocaine cartel," Cyril said. "Why not now?"

"What?" Xavier did a double take.

"Not to mention all the times you made bomb threats and murdered the Italian Prime Minister," Cheryl added. "And chopped up his body and made us all dispose of it."

"Wait **what?"** Xavier and Magneto said at the same time.

"And the time you hired those assassins to fake assassinate Torvald Utne the head of the UN security division," Pam added. "Who then killed him for real. So we had to fake that murder suicide with that dead hooker by burning their bodies in Trudy Beekman's apartment."

"Wait **WHAT?"** Xavier, Magneto, Kurt and Rogue said at the same time.

"Don't forget when we took over the country of San Marcos for three weeks," Ray added.

"Technically I took over the country of San Marcos for three weeks," Cyril said.

"And the former dictator got eaten by a tiger," Cheryl said cheerfully.

"WAIT **WHAT?"** All the mutants said at the same time.

"And we let Barry the Insane Cyborg destroy the International Space Station," Pam added.

"Barry didn't destroy the International Space Station Pam!" Archer barked. "He just killed half the crew when we stranded him there."

"And you crashed the space shuttle," Ray glared at Archer.

"The point is we've done a lot of crazy stupid illegal shit over the years," Lana said. "And you being a mutant isn't really bad so…"

"Can these people go **five minutes** without swearing?" Jean groaned.

"Can **you** go five minutes without being a judgmental stuck up bitch?" Mystique snarled

"Ha ha!" Ray laughed. "You know the best part about this? You can't make fun of me for being a gay cyborg hillbilly!"

"True," Mystique glared at him. "But I can still hate you for being yourself."

"That's all I ever wanted," Ray shrugged.

"Me too," Pam said.

"Really?" Mystique was touched. "Aww…You guys."

"You people are **insane**!" Scott was stunned.

"Yeah what he said," Lance agreed. He turned to Scott. "And you think the Brotherhood are criminals?"

"Well not **anymore**!" Scott said. "Not compared to **these guys**!"

"Yeah they're better at it than we are!" Todd remarked.

"So let me see if I get this straight, Mystique," Lance spoke up. "You left the Brotherhood, abandoned us. For **these guys**? Because you thought **we** were crazy?"

"In hindsight…again…" Mystique groaned. "But at least here I can swear and drink."

"Didn't stop you before back at our place," Todd grumbled.

"Believe me," Mystique gave him a look. "That was nothing compared to what I do around here. Seriously if you came here during one of my absinthe blackouts you'd be scarred for life."

"Absinthe blackouts?" Ororo blinked.

"Honestly I don't think I **want** to know…" Logan groaned.

"All right," Mystique said. "So what's this big threat you just had to upend my life for? And keep in mind I expect this agency to be paid if you want to hire us to help you deal with it!"

"Wait a minute," Scott said. "You expect us to not only **pay you** , but to hire your son and the rest of your agency as well?"

"That's the deal," Mystique folded her arms. "Take it or leave it."

Magneto and Xavier looked at each other. "We'll leave it," Magneto said. "Come on Charles."

"Yes I think we've had quite enough for today…" Xavier agreed.

"Wait, wait, wait, _wait!_ " Archer interrupted. "After all **that** to get my mother, now you **don't** want her?"

"Pretty much, yes," Xavier admitted.

"Now that I think about it," Magneto remarked. "We really don't need your help **that** badly."

"Probably better off **without it!"** Ororo snapped.

"What?" Archer gasped.

"Dude," Pietro said. "We may be mutants. But you guys are **freaks!** "

"As a rule I usually **don't** agree with Quicksilver," Scott remarked. "But yeah, what he said."

"I dunno," Sabretooth shrugged. "I kind of like their style."

"You would," Logan groaned.

"Wait a minute," Archer protested as the mutants went to leave. "Don't either of you want to know which one of you is my father?"

"Not particularly," Logan groaned.

"Better off not knowing," Sabretooth admitted. "I mean I already have **one son** by this witch whose guts I hate. Don't need another one."

"WHAT?" Archer, Kurt and Rogue shouted.

"Don't ask…" Mystique groaned. "Graydon is an even bigger asshole than you are Sterling. Never should have left him with his father!"

"Oh yeah, blame me!" Sabretooth snapped.

"I do!" Mystique snapped. "That's why **this time** I raised Sterling myself!"

"And when was that again?" Archer asked. "Because I'm pretty sure most of the time my heroin addicted butler did that. By the way are you guys good at finding lost butlers? I seem to have misplaced mine."

"I need to go home," Rogue groaned. "Before I have a **brain aneurysm**!"

"Me too…" Kurt groaned.

"Me three…" Logan admitted.

"Seriously?" Mystique snapped. "You lot barge into my life and screw it up and then you're just going to **walk away?"**

"Yuuuuuuuuuuuuup," Logan said as they left.

"WHAT?" Mystique snapped. "After all the stupid inconsiderate…" She pulled out her gun.

"Mother no!" Archer shouted.

BANG!

"AAAHHH!" Archer shot up in bed. He was sweating. "What? Where?"

He looked around. He was in his bedroom. Bottles of alcohol were everywhere as well as a few pizza boxes. The TV was on.

"Oh right," Archer realized as he drank from a scotch bottle. "There was an X-Men Evolution Marathon on TV last night."

Then Archer made a really loud burp.

"Man," Archer groaned. "I really gotta stop getting plastered and watching cartoons. On the other hand, if that dream was true. That would explain a lot."

Archer blinked. "Except for why do I have this weird feeling that this has been done before?"

"Uh the whole everything was a dream thing?" Logan emerged from under the covers. "That has been so overdone."

"I know I…" Archer did a double take. "Wait a minute…Is **this** a dream? And if it is, is it **your dream** or **mine?** "

"I…don't know…" Logan blinked. They looked at each other. Then they realized they were both naked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" They both screamed at the same time.


End file.
